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| I didn't have a clue what my problem was all this while, i just felt somehow hollow, sallow, empty, and lost. But it hit home yesterday, in the throes of my frustration and anger, i finally understood how i got to this. As i poured out the barrage of my despair, without realising the point i was trying to make, i finally realised that i have lost my faith in LOVE. Thats what this whole mess is about. Through my experiences, i have lost the ability to have faith in the person i love. I have lost the faith to fully trust them, that they will deliver according to their promises, that there is no need to jump at the sound of the fone ringing, and that there they will always be there at the end of the day, and its just a matter of timing or delays sometimes. How something so simple can drive me to the edge of sanity is beyond me. I guess faith is a big thing. When you stop believing in something, your reality falls apart, and thats when the emptiness comes. You wonder is there really any person you can trust with your life, and in then end, know for sure that they'll be there after all's said and done. I'm supposed to believe that God is such a .. person..? Well, till God becomes more real in my life, i'll learn to also put my faith in the one person i sometimes think i can trust with my life, and believe that he will take good care of my little grain of faith, and help it grow. | | |
| Its easy to get sucked into a whirlpool of meaningless thoughts when u're alone. I spend too much time thinking, precious time that should be spent on making my skul work as good as i can possibly make it, but rite now, its as bad as it can ever be, becos i've done ZIP.... Nothing on it at all. I wonder where my days go, just idling and thinking, or mostly sleeping. Sleeping is good, i think i'm happier asleep. Last nite i slept at 11, rite thru till 10 this morning. No, its not well-deserved rest, its just escapism. I'll better do a reality check v v soon.... Or else... its v. possible that i wont graduate this semeseter. Gotta increase productivity, and decrease the stupid emotional roller-coaster. Meanwhile, i'll take a nap..maybe. | | |
| and the cold war begins..
but i dont have the heart to wage battle against someone so sweet
i'm a dumbo | | |
| can i wish that some people would burn in hell, and see it actually happen? wad the heck, i'll set their home on fire instead, that'll be easier. or cast a spell on them and turn them into toads, that'll be swuuueeeeeeeeeeeet revenge indeed, or a chicken... i reckon she currently sounds like a chicken already.. saves me the 'changing voice' incantation.... so now i've got to get to hogwarts, but they have only white magic there apparently.... its not an easy task to wish ill-fate on others, is it? my blood boils, i cant tolerate being the hidden agenda anymore, being pushed to the background where i wont be seen or heard, just in the absolute pretense of avoiding offence. am i offensive? yah, maybe.. .. if not, i wouldn't have to be tucked neatly away, and onli taken out and dusted when certain eyes are not watching... or maybe someone just needs to get some balls around here... now that requires a super duper magic spell indeed. | | |
| this place is temporary, this comfort and bliss is fleeting, it was never meant to last, just like the still waters before the storm. i cant keep all i have, i am incapable of it. so for now let me claim all this as mine, belonging to me, with my name tagged on it. today i felt the familiar sting of waiting for that one fone call again, eyes darting at the clock, straining my ears just in case i've grown deafer somehow. this time is not supposed to be the same as before, but what if life's just a cycle of repeated seasons, with the same ending but with different character names and faces? it all came back to me, how i was afraid to sleep, afraid to study, afraid to go down to eat, just because i was so afraid of missing the elusive fone call. that is not a part of me anymore, it doens't deserve a place in my current life. and then... there's the fearful waiting, to see that one name pop up on the list, just hoping and waiting to catch that one person. that girl with her heart on the line is no longer me, i will not allow it to be. i will not disillusion myself any longer. nothing so similar can be that different afterall. so this is temporary. i will learn from the past, and this time, i will prepare my heart that this is transitionary, temporary, and i'll enjoy it while it lasts, and bear the stripes without flinching later. | | |
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